


i could have stayed (holiday shopping isn't for the faint of heart)

by danverspotsticker



Series: buffy femslash month 2019 [1]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-01
Packaged: 2021-02-24 16:35:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21621073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danverspotsticker/pseuds/danverspotsticker
Summary: buffy leaves sunnydale. this time she doesn't come back until sunnydale has collapsed and her friends have changed and her fate isn't to be alone anymore.
Relationships: Jenny Calendar/Rupert Giles, Kennedy (BtVS)/Dawn Summers, Rupert Giles & Buffy Summers, Willow Rosenberg/Buffy Summers, Xander Harris & Willow Rosenberg
Series: buffy femslash month 2019 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1558270
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	i could have stayed (holiday shopping isn't for the faint of heart)

Willow is seventeen when Buffy leaves. She is seventeen and she is casting a spell because Jenny is still in a coma and Giles is also incapacitated and Buffy needs her. Willow needs to save Angel to save Buffy. She knows her and she knows that if Buffy has to do this, has to kill Angel - or at least the monster that wears his face, she will never recover. Willow is right. 

When Buffy is forced to stab the guy who she loves through the chest and send him to Hell thinking all her best friends had to say was “Kick his ass!” she doesn’t survive. Instead, a girl wearing her face takes a bus to Los Angeles with a name tag that says Anne. She doesn’t come back to be the slayer, never thinks about the implications of leaving a watcher, a comatose technopagan and two teenagers to watch over the Hellmouth because Buffy is also seventeen when she leaves. Her world is still her world, as scary and devastating as it is for her. 

Buffy isn’t there when Willow tries to enter the spirit realm looking for any proof that Buffy is okay, or at least alive. She doesn’t see as Willow grows quieter but learns more about magic and herself. She’s not around when Xander starts getting angrier but internalizes it. She’s not there as her best friends turn into memories who are haunted by her. She doesn’t know about the way Giles leaves so many times to try to find her and she doesn’t know how angry Jenny gets that he’s so willing to leave Willow and Xander and her. 

Willow gets into every college she applies to and tells no one. Xander is accepted to apprentice for the most prominent carpenter and has no one to tell who gets what it's like never being the smartest in the room. When Giles gets kicked out of The Council, it isn’t because he has a father’s love for Buffy, which he still does. He is kicked out because he lost his slayer. 

Buffy isn’t there when Joyce moves out of town. Joyce who had welcomed Willow and Xander over with open arms until months turned into years and all she could see in them was the daughter she’d forced away. When Angel comes back he asks about Buffy and the bitterness that Willow has held tightly to her chest lets go and she’s angry and she makes a wish and then a few weeks later there’s another version of her who is a vampire and maybe she doesn’t wish she had never met Buffy, she just wishes she would come back. Wishes that when she realizes that she, like her vampire doppelganger, might be kind of gay, she could talk to her best friend about it instead of her computer science teacher. 

Demons come and Gods threaten them and Faith is called and Xander gets engaged and Willow falls in love and Jenny and Giles get married and Buffy sees none of it. Willow knows better than to check if Buffy is alive now, knows that all that comes out of it will be anger, no matter what answer she gets. 

But, then Willow’s girlfriend dies and she stops caring and she is angry at everything but she doesn’t kill anyone, she just pushes away her friends until Giles and Jenny, in all their surrogate parent glory, force her to live with them until she can bear to look at the apartment that she’d planned on proposing to Tara in without breaking down. The First comes and it looks like Tara most of the time and she gets used to it and sickens herself with the thought that it’s better than never seeing her again. She learns to live with seeing Tara contorted for the forces of evil, she can accept it even if she eventually hates it. She knows that Dawn sees it too and is probably more haunted than she is by it. 

The point is, Willow deals with it. Except, one night, Giles finds her sobbing in the spare room of Jenny and his house and he assumes, understandably, that she’s missing Tara. She isn’t. And through choking sobs and heaves as she tries not to vomit, she speaks. “Giles, it was her. It was Buffy.” 

Giles looks at her like he’s seen the ghost that Willow did, “The First was….”

“Buffy.” Willow collapses under the weight of her own words, “She’s dead.”

Of course, she isn’t. But Willow and Giles don’t know this as they now sit next to each other, each drowning in grief. Buffy lives still in Los Angeles with the occasional run in with Angel who had been sure to find her after returning from Hell to assuage her guilt and add on to his own. Her name is now legally Anne Somers, not a large change but one large enough to hide from any watchers or computer efficient magic users who might seek to find her.

. It’s not that she doesn’t miss them, it’s just that whenever she thinks about going back the fear always outweighs the sadness. She finds out enough to know they’re alive from Angel and she checks up on her mother, now in Phoenix, at least once a year. She works odd jobs, usually as protection detail or a bodyguard to keep enough money to continue renting her one bedroom, relatively nice apartment. She keeps living without any knowledge of the resurgence of The First Evil currently happening in Sunnydale. 

At least, she doesn’t until one night while flicking through the television she hears that familiar and distinct town name mentioned on the news, and she stops, imagining it’s just another town wide case of some spell that the news will pass off as a disease. Instead, she watches as footage of a Sunnydale sized hole is played as people set candles and flowers and other memorabilia near the edge and her heart stops as the reporter talks about the one month anniversary of the earthquake that collapsed Sunnydale but Buffy knows.

They couldn’t have lost. Angel hasn’t told her that any of them died, so they can’t be dead. It’s a comforting thought, until a week later when she goes to find Angel, he isn’t in the hotel he’d claimed as his home and neither are any of the people he’d worked with and she starts spiralling. She starts searching, going to every demon hideout and bar and club that she’s avoided for years in the hopes that she’ll hear about a watcher or a technopagan or a hacker or a wise-cracking boy. 

It’s months until she hears anything that could be hopeful and even then she remains unsure. But, hopefully the group of girls from somewhere in California might know what happened in Sunnydale, more than the earthquake it had been written off as. She follows the story to Cleveland and the air bites like it never does in California and there’s something wet about the air that she doesn’t recognize, and she finds a bar and hides out from the cold as she looks for anywhere to stay. 

In that same town, only streets away in a once-abandoned university, Willow is working on a spell to locate the slayers who haven’t become part of The New Council. Jenny had told her to wait but when Andrew had gone to deal with Dana situation she knew they couldn’t. Hopefully there are no others like her but Willow still thinks of all the teenage girls that they haven’t spoken to yet and how scared and confused they must be. She needs to help them.

Eventually, she creates a spell that functions in a similar way to the demon finding one that hadn’t functioned all those years ago with Tara. As she casts it over a map of the world, lights brighten over every continent, curiously even Antarctica. But, Willow doesn’t focus on this light, instead she looks at the large group of lights where she knows Cleveland is. Then, she sees a light close but not with the group. Theoretically, all the slayers are supposed to be on the campus since it’s a Tuesday and not a weekend or a patrol night. Willow decides to figure out who this slayer is, or bust the escape of one of the ones she knows. She figures it is more likely the latter.

Running out of her office and pulling on her still new winter jacket, she stops by the TV room and spots Dawn and Kennedy snuggling on the couch and smiles. “Hey, kiddos.”

Dawn playfully rolls her eyes as she leans her head back on the couch to look at Willow. “Hey! I’m officially eighteen, now. I’m out of the kiddo-zone!” 

Willow steps forward to run her hand through Dawn’s hair, “You’re gonna be in the kiddo-zone for me until you die, Dawnie.”

Dawn hums. Kennedy scrutinizes Willow’s choice in wardrobe. “So, Red, are you going somewhere or just making a statement?”

“I’ve got a lead that one of the other girls is out on the town and I’ve gotta be the adult in the situation.” Willow makes a face like she doesn’t ever want to be the adult. 

“Oof, don’t want to be her when Giles finds out.” Dawn winces.

“Yeah, definitely not.” Willow thinks for a moment. “If either of you see Jenny or Giles before I’m back, let them know what I’m doing. Or Faith or Xander, even.”

Dawn gives her a thumbs up, “We’ve got you covered.”

“Thanks, and try to keep the making-out in public spaces to a minimum.” Willow teases.

Dawn squeaks while Kennedy laughs. “You did much worse than make-out with my sister!” 

Willow laughs at Dawn’s accusation, “Unless you’d like to hear the details of that I suggest you tone it down.”

“Ew, ew, ew. No, thanks.” Dawn makes a show of covering her ears.

Willow turns then, laughing, to leave the building. As she gets to her car she spots Xander in the garage. “Xander!”

Although he stays focused on whatever project he’s tinkering with, he speaks, “Will, whatcha up to at this late hour?”

“Xander, it’s only six.” Willow is smiling fondly at him.

He looks out to the dark sky. “Winter is gross. Why is it so dark already?”

“I stand firmly with you. Guess that’s what we get for being hometown California kids.”

“So, what are you doing all bundled up looking like you’re on a mission?”

“I’m on the prowl for a slayer.”

Xander looks up from his project with a glint in his eye, “If you’re looking for a girl there Will, Faith is still inside.”

Willow laughs, “I think that’s more your prerogative, Xan.” 

“Maybe. Not right now though.” His stance is more solemn than playful now.

Willow understands, “Not right now.”

The conversation halts and Willow considers leaving but doesn’t want to leave him in this mood. “Oh! What are you working on?” She posits a glance to the black and metallic object in his hands.

He pauses like he’s trying to figure out if he should speak. “I’m trying to make our holy water guns function like actual water guns without the neon and plastic look.”

Willow knows why he paused, what with her reasonable dislike of guns. “Yea, that makes sense. I can help if you need it just…”

Xander’s smile is a joyless one, “Just not right now.”

Willow nods, “It’s a good idea.”

“Thanks. Now go get on the slayer search. We need all the help we can get since we just defeated the First Evil and the big bosses only get worse. As a rule.” Xander smirks tightly.

Willow paces back over to the car, “See ya later. Maybe watch out for Dawn and Kennedy when you head back in. Their teenage love is all over the front room couch.”

“Will do, Will.”

Willow rolls her eyes at his pleased expression before she gets in the car and drives away.

As she lets magic pull her closer to the slayer, she parks on the side of the road when it feels too strong and begins to walk. What she doesn’t know is that walking out of a nearby bar is Buffy who had just found a cheap enough hotel within walking distance. Buffy begins walking quickly towards the motel with her head down out of habit as she tries to escape the biting cold that she is only guarded from through her sweater. Willow walks on the same sidewalk she does, only twenty feet away and coming from the opposite direction, just as distracted. Willow goes where the magic takes her until it runs her straight into, “Willow?”

No, “Buffy.”

Willow knows it can’t be the First because of the whole running into her thing but she’s still seriously irked. After that she feels all the emotions that she’s felt for Buffy over the years come over her at once. She choses none of them. When she speaks, there is nothing. “You’re alive.”

Buffy is staring at her like she’s empty and filled all at once, “You’re alive.”

Willow doesn’t know what that’s supposed to mean. Like Buffy wasn’t the one that ran away and whose ghost has been haunting the scoobies for years. “So, do you want to stay here with the stiff conversation and cold air or do you want to head in and get a drink or something?”

Buffy has had enough to drink in her own opinion but Willow is standing in front of her and she is nothing like Willow. She’s harder and colder and also taller and her hair is different, but she’s still every bit the Willow she knew once. “A drink sounds like a plan.”

So, they go in and they sit at a booth away from other people and Willow stares in a way that makes Buffy feel like she’s being glared at even though it isn’t a glare and Willow drowns as her brain struggles over every single word she had ever wanted to say to Buffy about leaving. She settles on “Why?” 

She had really been trying for apathy, but she imagines the voice crack gives it away. Buffy is here and alive and Willow is pissed but relieved and confused but just wants to hug Buffy and it’s too much to voice so she sticks to the one word.

“At first it was because I couldn’t be in the same place that I killed Angel. Then, when he came back, it was that I couldn’t face you guys again. Sometimes it was because I didn’t want to be the slayer anymore. Mostly it was that it seemed too late.” Buffy sounds genuinely sorry when she says it but Willow lets the anger take over as she files away the fact that Angel has made contact with Buffy and hadn’t told them about it. 

Willow scoffs, “You were scared? Buffy, goddess, we were all scared. We are all scared. But because you decided to leave two teenagers, a computer teacher and a watcher to guard the Hellmouth we didn’t get the option to run away or hide or say no to being the slayer. Maybe you didn’t get a choice in being called but you forced me and Xander and Jenny into lives that we didn’t need to have. Ones we almost definitely would’ve chosen for you because we all loved you. Instead we were trapped in them by you and your selfish choices.”

Willow knows what she says is harsh and that it’s not fair because Buffy was seventeen and Willow at seventeen didn’t always make esteemed choices but she’s angry and the Buffy infront of her has had almost seven years to come back and fix her mistakes but she hadn’t. Still, Willow regrets calling her selfish. 

“I’m sorry. That’s not fair. I know that killing Angel must have destroyed you and I really get the fear thing and thinking me and Xander wouldn’t understand is understandable because Xander was an ass to you and decided that he would put words that I never said in your ears. I didn’t tell you to kick his ass. I wanted Xander to tell you that I’d be there to help.” Buffy looks at Willow like this information could’ve saved her and Willow might be angry at Xander in a world where could meant anything at all.

“Willow, I’m sorry I should’ve talked to you or Giles or at least left you a note or called or something.” Buffy has more to say but no context to say it in.

Willow smiles, self-deprecating like Buffy remembers, “Me too. I should’ve a lot of things.”

She pauses and considers something, “Buffy, I really want to be able to forgive you right now and be best friends again but… I can’t. Not right away.”

Buffy smiles at this like it’s the best news she’s heard, “That’s a someday right? Just…”

Willow smiles like it’s an inside joke as she finishes for Buffy, “Not right now.”

“So, in the spirit of not-yet-forgiveness, what do you say to a round of slightly awkward conversation where we update each other on things that have happened in the almost seven year separation that has occured?”

Willow nods solidly, “Unfortunately, I think that falls into the not right now category. I should probably get back home.”

Buffy is disappointed but she takes what she can get, “Okay, I’ll see you later?”

Willow catches the clear question on the end of it. “You will.”

Buffy smiles, “Okay.”

With that, Willow leaves. Buffy slightly tipsy and very relieved, relaxes into the seat as she watches Willow leave. Then, with lowered inhibitions, she quickly runs after her, a decision already made for her. Buffy barely notices the snow, although tomorrow it will be a beautiful sight for her snow virgin eyes. Instead she focuses on the red-head as she follows to stop her. 

She calls after her. “Willow!” 

“Buffy, what?” Willow looks confused.

Buffy doesn’t answer her. Instead, she pulls Willow in by the back of the neck and kisses her. Nothing except the feeling of Willow’s hands on her hip and in her hair and the fact that Willow is kissing her back registers. God, Buffy knows it’s weird and that they don’t actually know each other anymore but Willow still feels like a home Buffy had thought she’d forgotten. Buffy lets herself melt into the kiss.

And Willow? Well, she has thought of this before. One night when she had been telling Tara about the anger and grief and all the emotions that Buffy still managed to produce in her, Tara had suggested that perhaps Willow had stronger feelings than friendship for Buffy. She had brushed it off then, not willing to think about that, not willing to worsen the pain. But now, Buffy is kissing her and Goddess, Goddess, Willow missed her but they can’t do this because there is so much to talk about and Willow has a dead girlfriend who still haunts her and there is so much that Buffy doesn’t know.

She pulls back, “Buffy, I can’t.” 

Buffy looks devastated and Willow wants to comfort her but owns none of the words to.

She leaves but is stopped by Buffy’s pleading voice. “Please, don’t leave.”

When Willow looks back at Buffy it’s the first time the snow registers. It sticks to Buffy’s hair and Willow is pretty gay but the sight definitely confirms it. 

With a smile and flick or her wrist, Willow promises, “I’ll find you.”

Now in Buffy’s hand is a fistful of snow and she doesn’t know how it got there. She registers Willow’s movements as she walks away and continues to stare at her own palm. Holy shit is Willow a witch?

———

Willow tries to push off seeing Buffy again but then she thinks of the kiss and the fact that Buffy is here in town and she can see her whenever. She resolves to go see her a little over a week after that night. She doesn’t tell anyone Buffy is in town which is maybe unfair to Giles and Xander who loved her, who love her. The thing is that Willow really can’t comprehend the fact that Buffy is back and real and alive and also maybe interested in her and it’s all too much when she’s trying to rebuild an institute from the ground. She knows Jenny knows something is up because Willow has been more absent than she usually is. Jenny seems to know that it’s not something she’d be anywhere near willing to talk about.

So, Willow wallows for a while and then on a Thursday night she tracks Buffy to a significantly shifty motel. It’s reminiscent of the one that Faith had lived in until Jenny had forced her to stay with her. She knocks on the door she knows Buffy is behind and tries not to burst when she sees the blonde behind the door. Willow really wants to be able to be mature and distant about this but seeing Buffy just sends her back to being a dorky seventeen year old with a closet crush on her best friend. 

“Will! Please, come in.” Willow had forgotten how nice her name sounds on Buffy’s lips. 

Willow steps through the door and registers Buffy’s outfit and the shorts that accompany it and, okay, she’s quite the lesbian. 

That’s not the point. 

“So, what do you say about that slightly awkward conversation I promised you last week?” The smile that goes with Willow’s words is tight lipped and wavering. She’s so tired and the past only weighs heavier on her exhaustion. Buffy doesn’t recognize this in her, the face is familiar but her expressions are not and so when Buffy replies she’s smiling widely.

She’s excited. “I say that sounds like a great plan.”

She gestures to both the bed and the worn chair in the room. “Take your pick.”

Willow settles herself on the edge of the bed, having already been standing in front of it. Buffy settles into the chair across from her. “So…”

Willow nods along with the discomfort, “So… what do you want to know?”

Buffy considers herself for a moment, “What was high school like? I mean the rest of it.”

Willow offers a wry smile, “Shitty. The way things tend to be when you don’t know if your best friend is alive or dead.”

Buffy shrinks under the accusation.

“No...I. I’m sorry I don’t want to be mad and I’m trying not to be but seventeen year old Willow keeps rearing her head. High school was the worst. General consensus is that it’s the worst time of your life and for me, barring a selective few months, that consensus is accurate. Do you remember Oz?”

Buffy nods, “Yeah, he was your boyfriend.”

Willow chuckles at that, “Yeah, he wasn’t for long. Jenny woke up from her coma and I was dealing with issues personal and, uh, magical alike and she kinda helped me with both and I eventually came out.”

Buffy smiles and nods, “So, you’re like full gay now?”

Willow smirks, “Of course, I’ve got the card and everything.”

Buffy laughs, “Funny.”

“Yeah, I’m a real hoot. But, no, high school thankfully ended and I went to college and Xander became an apprentice and Giles and Jenny got married.”

“Really? Giles got married?”

Willow nods happily, “It took some work but yeah. He’s technically Calendar-Giles now but he’s still Giles.”

Buffy smiles, “I’m happy for him.”

And they keep talking. Willow talks about magic and how Jenny taught her and about the blonde witch she met in college. Buffy in turn tells Willow about having to convince people that she was an adult and the demon encounters she had and about Angel’s crew and how Cordelia is kind of a good person now. They talk about everything but never too much. Buffy asks about what the woman who lights up Willow’s entire face is up to and Willow tells her about a grave. In turn, Willow asks about Angel and Buffy talks about wishes and wanting and it still never being enough.

Neither of them talk about the kiss and the conversation slows as they run out of things to talk about that aren’t the kiss. As the silence crescendos, Willow breaks it. “Giles and Xander are going to be so happy to know you’re alive.”

And Buffy knew she left no signs of life behind but she certainly didn’t leave any signs of death. “I understand that me not telling you guys anything or calling or writing wasn’t great but that doesn’t just mean someone’s dead, y’know?” 

Willow shakes her head, “No, we definitely knew that. In fact there were spells I never used because I didn’t want to know if you were dead but the latest big bad kinda made that decision for us. It had the ability to appear as any dead person to kind of make it easier for us to let It win. And for me it was usually Tara and occasionally Jesse. But then, one night, it was you.”

And Willow has a half smile on her face but it’s only there to offset the tears building in her eyes because Gods, Buffy isn’t dead and she’s right there and the fear is still so potent. Willow voice shakes as she continues, “And, uh, It figured out that you were pretty much a weak spot for the three of us and used that, used you, to Its advantage.”

Buffy looks at her with realization, “So that night you…”

“Thought you were dead?” Willow swallows as she nods.

“Yeah.”

Buffy speaks again, “And I…”

“Kissed the hell out of me, causing two crises at once?”

Buffy laughs, “Something like that.”

Willow smiles back, “Yeah, something like that.”

And they fall into silence as they stare at each other for a moment, both of them thinking about that crisis-causing kiss, both of them wanting more but knowing it’s anything but a good idea. Buffy strides up toward Willow and kisses her anyway. It’s not like the last one. It’s desperate, sure, but it’s also hard and deep and pleading. As Willow reciprocates she tangles her hand in blonde hair, gripping Buffy tightly to herself as she moves to straddle Willow’s hips. 

They both drown in it, as Willow runs her unoccupied hand up Buffy’s stomach and in turn Buffy gasps into Willow’s open mouth. Willow doesn’t know how long it goes for but she knows she needs to stop it. But her hands are wandering and every noise Buffy makes in response encourages her not to stop. She does anyway.

“Buffy, I’m sorry. I can’t… We can’t do this right now.”

Buffy looks inclined to agree but her darkened eyes and swollen lips still make Willow waver.

She leans in as if to kiss her but stops herself, speaking again to convince herself, “Clearly, I’d very, very much like to continue, uh, this. But not while we’re in a motel and not when the others still think you’re dead.”

Buffy nods, although her eyes flicker to Willow’s lips momentarily. “Maybe try not to take too long with the telling them.”

Willow laughs, “No, I’ll definitely be as quick as possible.”

And she leaves. Now, what follows is a cliche moment, and if you ever asked either of them what happened they would leave out this part. From her bed in the motel, Buffy sighs deeply as tears form in her eyes because finally, finally, she’s found home. 

For Willow, it’s a little different, the tears in her eyes in the cold weather outside the motel as she walks to her car aren’t from never feeling home. For Willow, she is mourning a home that had steadied her for so long and who was ripped away from her just over a year ago. For Willow, she is thanking whatever got Buffy to her alive. For Willow, there is no finality in finding Buffy again, there is only a beginning, one that frees every part of her.

———

Willow knows Buffy is probably angry or stressed or something along those lines right now because it’s been over a week since she had gone to her motel room and promised hastiness. Willow is not being hasty, she is being the opposite of hasty because, well, her best friend is kind of but not really back from the dead and also very interested in kissing her which is not bad but is very overwhelming. There’s also the fact that in all the excitement of that particular episode of Willow’s life, she had completely forgotten that it is the holiday season and the Council is doing a secret santa and she has to buy something for Giles which is easy but she figures maybe she should buy Buffy something since there is potential romance there, apparently. 

Point is: Willow has not yet told Giles or Xander or even Jenny that Buffy is alive and kicking in their town and she feels mighty guilty about it. Of course, not guilty enough to actually take action towards fixing the problem. Instead, she is currently standing in a department store smelling perfumes. 

In her wallowing, her very highly developed scooby skills do not pick up on the approaching footsteps. Despite the familiarity of the voice, she flinches at its closeness, “Y’know, I don’t think the G-man would be big on perfume.”

“I’m not shopping for Giles, Xander.” Okay, she thinks. Now is a great time to mention the whole Buffy thing.

Xander waggles his eyebrows at her suggestively, “Do you have a lady to impress? Have you been having a wild affair under the noses of all of us?”

Willow rolls her eyes, though he isn’t technically far from the truth, “Definitely, between looking after hundreds of teenage girls and being witch major I’ve also managed to maintain a secret relationship.”

“Oh, so the very clear issue you’ve been having the past couple weeks isn’t a romantic one. Okay, then what is it?” His voice is still playful but has depth to it that wasn’t there previously.

“There’s no problem, Xander.”

He raises one eyebrow, “Really? Because Jenny and Giles seem to think there is. Even Kenn said you seem off lately.” 

He leans around her, tilting his head curiously, “I know that we haven’t been talking as much between apocalypses, Council business, and, well, dead girlfriends, but I’m still here if there’s anything you need.”

And Willow nearly says it, except he mentions their dead girlfriends. The one’s whose names he can’t say and she can’t imagine the grief that an alive Buffy would bring him. Not when she questioned, when she was first faced with an alive Buffy, why it couldn’t have been Tara whose death they’d gotten wrong. Why it couldn’t have been some demon imposter who died in her arms and not the woman who she’d liked to have spent the rest of her life with. Willow can’t give Xander that burden, can’t give him another what-if when she knows that there’s so many that keep him up. At least, that’s what she tells herself to get out of telling him.

Instead of telling him she says, “I know. I’m here for you, too. And the problem isn’t one that’s going away with talking. I promise I’ll tell you, just not right now.”

Xander nods, “Nothing wrong with some repressed emotions, we’re both Scoobies, we’ve both been there. But as soon as it starts digging itself up, I’m here, 24/7, 364.”

She squints at him in response, “Xander, there’s 365 days in a year.”

“Ah, see, I gotta account for our yearly apocalypse. I figure we’ll both be very busy and there will be no time for heartfelt talks.”

“I love you, y’know.”

Xander smiles sincerely, though the words are less, “Heavy words for the department store perfume aisle.”

“Well, you know what they say. Holiday shopping isn’t for the faint of heart.”

“I love you, too.” He pauses, “Say, with all this emotional talk, do you think you could drive me home? Jenny dropped me off here after she and Giles convinced me to come convince you to open up.”

Willow laughs at his transition, and gives an exaggerated sigh, “I suppose I could manage to drive you home with me.” 

“That’s good because whenever I take the bus I get pirate comments and I only accept those from you, Dawn and kids. Last time it was a full Giles-aged adult and he asked me if I was gonna make him walk the plank.”

Willow smirks but nods in understanding, “Bus people are weird.”

Xander enthusiastically nods as Willow picks out one of the perfumes, “The weirdest.”

He looks at her selection, “Anya liked that one.”

Willow nods, “I thought it was familiar.”

He glances at her as they walk towards checkout, “You’re still not gonna tell me who it’s for?”

She smiles tightly, “Nope.”

Xander lets it go, “Okay.”

Willow is surprised by this, “Okay?”

Xander rests his arm around her shoulder, “Okay. When you’re ready you’ll tell me and I will support you no matter what.”

Willow leans into his shoulder, “Thanks.”

And they walk out of the store and head home. But the thing about holiday shopping is that, often, it is accompanied by holiday traffic. The thing about traffic is that it prolongs time spent in a car. And the thing about that is that it often prompts overthinking and sometimes it even prompts action. 

This is one of those cases.

As Willow grips the wheel, frustrated with herself and the red Honda in front of her she softens, “Xander?”

Xander who is playing with the dancing flower on Willow’s dashboard doesn’t look as he hums in response.

“I wanna tell you about who the perfume is for.”

Xander looks up at this, “Oh, well, sure, go ahead.”

“I’m scared so I need you to hold onto any negative reactions until I’m done talking.”

“Negative reactions? Will, who?”

“Please, Xander.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.” She takes a deep breath and focuses her eyes on the road in front of her, “It’s Buffy.”

“Willow -”

“No, I know. She’s not dead.”

She tells him about it all, of course leaving out some details, and he listens. 

“Buffy’s alive.”

“She is.”

“And she didn’t tell us, or Joyce, or Giles.”

“She told Joyce.” 

Xander is exasperated, “Oh, fantastic. I’m so glad that while we were mourning her she had time to make visits to Joyce.”

“Xander, you know she didn’t know.”

“She didn’t even leave a note! What were we supposed to think?”

“There was no body. We had no reason to think she was dead.”

“Yeah, no reason aside from the ultimate evil haunting us with her face.”

“She technically died before she left. When you saved her. We just didn’t think about that because we’d spent so much time looking for proof that she was or wasn’t alive.”

“And you’ve known she’s alive for how long?”

Willow cringes, “A couple weeks.”

Xander sighs and rubs his hand over his face, “A couple - Willow, why didn’t you tell any of us?”

“Because I was scared! Because I get that it’s hard for you because I ran into her out of the blue and then she kissed me and I don’t know what the hell to do about it!”

Xander softens, “I’m sorry, Will. I didn’t mean to accuse you i just, I’m angry and sad and also happy that she’s alive and mostly confused.”

Willow laughs, “Yeah, that seems to be a common reaction.”

“You need to tell Giles.”

“I do.”

“D’you want some help?”

Willow smiles, “That’d be really great, actually.”

“One condition.”

“Hmm?”

“You take me to see her?”

“Of course, Xander.”

And so, instead of heading back to the campus that they now call home, Willow stays on the highway until she turns off to the dingy motel that she knows holds Buffy. Willow watches from the corner of her eye as Xander anxiously pulls on the window lever and sympathizes as her own fingers have been tapping nervously against the wheel since he had propositioned her taking him there. She knows Buffy probably won’t be mad but she still feels bad coming here with no notice. She pushes those thoughts away as she pulls into a parking spot. Xander hums, “Nice place, very Faith, pre-Jenny.” 

Willow laughs, “That’s what I thought.”

“Yeah.”

“So…”

“So…”

“We should probably go in, right?”

“Right.”

But neither of them move. Instead, they sit in silence.

Willow speaks, “It’s just Buffy, right? That’s not hard.”

Xander nods along, “Right - just Buffy. No difficulty there, no years spent thinking she was dead. Zippo difficulty.”

Willow sighs at the truth of his sarcasm and opens her door, “Might as well get it over with. Come on.”

They both walk to the door, as Willow traces a semi-familiar path and Xander follows her. Willow knocks and Xander finds himself holding his breath.

Then, he sees her standing there and she’s alive and just like Willow had said it would, the anger washes away for a moment as all he feels is relief. 

“Willow! And Xan -” Buffy barely has time to recognize him before he is barreling into her, grasping her in a crushing hug, even by a slayer’s standards. 

“You’re alive.”

Buffy laughs wetly as she hugs him back, “Last time I checked, yeah.”

“I’m glad.” And he pulls back to look at her, still shaken that she is alive and breathing and corporeal.  
Buffy, finally able to take in his appearance, furrows her eyebrows as she notices the eyepatch. “Xander, what happened to your eye.”

Xander reaches up like he’d forgotten it was there, even though it is impossible for him to forget. Him being Xander, he tries to play it off, “Oh, y’know. Just trying out this funky pirate look. Really gets me in with the ladies.”

Willow rolls her eyes at him, “Hey, doofus, you can’t get mad at people for making pirate jokes if you’re going to make them too.”

“It’s my missing eye! I get to make jokes about it. You and Dawn are just harassing me.” He smiles as he accuses.

Willow just hums in agreement as she notices the confusion in Buffy’s eyes. Xander notices as well, “Oh, real story. An evil preacher decided to stick his thumb in my eye socket, very bloody, very gross. 0 out of 10 doctors would recommend.”

Buffy reaches for his arm, “I’m sorry, I should’ve…”

Xander shrugs off her guilt, “Hey, we’ve all got should’ves. But you probably couldn't have changed anything.”

“Still…”

Willow stops her this time, “Buff, the guilt train helps no one. We’re just mostly glad you’re here now.”

Xander nods his agreement.

Buffy nods, “Okay.” Focusing on Willow, she continues, “So you’ve told everyone now?”

Xander cuts Willow’s answer off by laughing. Willow shoves him with her shoulder. “You wanted Willow to tell people something that’s hard to say. Please, she barely told me. In fact, you should be very grateful to the holiday traffic because otherwise I’d probably still think you were dead and Will’d probably be in her office sulking.”

“You’re such an ass.” Willow turns to Buffy, “But he’s right. He’s the only one that knows. But that’s like 33% of people I need to tell, so not terrible?”

“Will…” Buffy sounds uncomfortable so Willow quickly cuts her off.

“I really tried to, I promise. I stood in front of Jenny like five different times just kind of making noises before running off.”

Xander butts in, “It’s true. In fact Jenny was concerned you were going to tell her you’re in love with her.”

Willow laughs, “Seventeen year old me, maybe.”

Both of them are interrupted by Buffy clearing her throat. 

Willow blushes, “Sorry. No, Xander is the only one that knows.”

Xander looks excited, “Oh! An idea!”

Both Willow and Buffy reply at the same time, “That can’t be good.”

Wounded, Xander speaks, “I definitely didn’t miss the two of you ganging up on me.”

Willow beams sarcastically at him, “You said you had an idea?”

Buffy smiles too, “I was just joking Xander, go ahead.”

“How about, a very wild idea, we take Buffy to the Council? Problem solved: Willow doesn’t have to ramble through telling Giles and Jenn that you’re alive and Jenn and Giles find out you’re alive.”

Willow turns to Buffy, eyebrows upturned in question. 

Buffy smiles, “Sounds good to me.”

———

The good thing, it turns out for Buffy, about Willow and Xander surprising her is that she did not have to feel nervous to the point of nausea. Now, behind them as they walk towards a set of several large buildings, Buffy thinks she might vomit. Somehow, Willow seems to sense this and slows her pace to fall beside her, intertwining their fingers. “It’ll be fine. Giles might be kind of British about it at first but that’s just him failing to process his emotions.”

Buffy doesn’t reply because she really doesn’t feel like she can, instead she squeezes Willow’s hand. Meanwhile, Xander glances back at them, but neither notice as a sincere smile graces his face as he sees an easy smile on Willow’s face that he was starting to think he’d never see again. As he reaches to open the doors he jokes, “Last stop to escape the inevitable British lecture.”

Buffy nods firmly, “I think I can do it.”

Xander smiles in support, “That’s good. Unfortunately, I’m talking to Will.” He takes on an appalling british accent, “You know that as a Watcher it is uncouth of you to ever lie, especially about the whereabouts of a slayer. Willow, I truly expect more from you.” 

“Okay, Xander. Get your kicks out now before he kills me.”

Buffy still seems confused, “Watcher?”  
Willow looks embarrassed, “In training. Since the recent boom of slayers, we pretty much need as many Watchers as we can get.”

“Recent boom - Willow what happened?”

Xander interrupts, “Maybe a longer conversation for later when Giles can be part of it.”

Willow nods in agreement, “I promise we’ll talk about it later.”

“Okay.”

Suddenly, much too fast for Buffy’s pace, Xander is opening the door and Willow is ushering her through. To Buffy’s surprise but apparently not Xander or Willow’s, there are two girls getting significantly intimate on the front couch through an open doorway. Willow coughs loudly, “It sure would be nice if the council paid for some contraptions with four walls and an opening that closed. Please find a place to make-out that isn’t the front room.” 

Xander laughs as one of the girls rolls her eyes, “Xander and Anya used to literally have sex constantly in weird and public places.”

Xander is silenced by her words and Buffy glances at him as he looks at the floor. Willow looks significantly mad as she speaks, “Dawn, I get the angry teenager thing, I’ve been there. But you’re treading on some pretty thin ice and I encourage you to stop there.”

“Willow, you don’t get it! Your best friend ran away and you were pissed about it. Who cares? My sister is dead and you refuse to talk about her and she was all I had left and apparently I can’t talk about Anya either, so what am I allowed to talk about? You don’t get it. Tara was your girlfriend, I know it sucked for you when she died but for me she took all I had left with her.” The girl, Dawn, flees upstairs.

Willow looks emptied by her words. Still, she turns to the other girl, “Kenn, can you -”

She cuts her off, “Of course. And before Dawn got all Dawn-tempered, that was some good watcher-speak. Just, maybe next time avoid doing it with Dawn since you’re kinda her only family even though she likes to act like she hates you.”

Willow nods like she knows. Kenn offers her a short smile before heading after Dawn. 

Xander looks like he’s about to speak but a voice interrupts them, “I heard Dawn yelling and figured her and Kenn were fighting again, but apparently it’s bigger than that.”

Buffy turns and sees Jenny Calendar. “Ms. Calendar!”

Willow is smiling sheepishly as Xander scoots to stand behind her.

Jenny smiles at Buffy, “It’s Calendar-Giles these days.”

Buffy nods, recalling Willow telling her that Giles and her had gotten married, “Oh, right.”

Looking at Willow, Jenny smiles, “I take it we’re not dealing with the First again.”

Willow shakes her head, “No First, just a friend mistakenly diagnosed as dead.”

Jenny nods as her gaze falls to Willow’s hand, still intertwined with Buffy’s. “I take it this is what the sighing and avoiding has been about.”

Xander interrupts with a joke, “Hey, better than what you thought it was.”

Jenny smiles but still replies with, “Not the time, Xander.”

He nods, “Right, we should probably find Giles.”

Jenny nods behind herself, “He’s still trying to figure out the Watcher spell in his office. He’s been trying to figure it out by himself but he could definitely use your help after he’s done brooding about you keeping this from him for ...”

“Two weeks.” Willow cringes in anticipation.

Jenny’s eyes widen, “Willow, two weeks?”

Willow crosses her arms defensively, “There was a lot going on!” At Jenny’s questioning look she deflates and sighs, “Look, can we just go see Giles now to get it over with?”

Jenny nods and steps aside so Willow can walk to Giles’ office. Buffy and Xander both stay behind. As Buffy nervously looks at the doorway that Willow had left through, she feels a hand on her shoulder. Jenny smiles at her, “I’m glad you’re here. And alive.”

Buffy and Jenny had never really had any big conversations aside from Buffy being mad at her for the Angel stuff. Still, her words mean a lot and the tears she sees in Jenny blinking away when she turns around mean more. “Thanks, I’m sorry about…” Buffy pauses. “A lot of things.”

Jenny nods, “A lot of things.”

As they fall into silence, Buffy tries to focus her hearing to Giles and Willow’s conversation but she still can’t hear them. Xander wraps an arm around each of the women’s shoulders as they wait. He notices the focus on Buffy’s face and reads her well, “You’re not gonna be able to hear them. All the walls are super-hearing proof. Built and maintained by yours truly.”

Buffy smiles at him, “You guys breed slayers, watchers and carpenters?”

Xander corrects her, “World-saving carpenters.”

Jenny laughs as she nods, “Our very own Jesus.”

Buffy furrows her eyebrows but laughs anyway.

As the three of them sober into silence, it is quickly broken by the click of a door as it opens down the hall. It is followed quickly by Willow’s panicked voice, “Giles, please.”

And then Buffy sees him. Giles, who looks furious and she tenses for any berating. Instead, she feels arms wrap around her and a deep sigh of relief. She hears Willow from over Giles’ firm shoulder, “Oh.”

Buffy has gotten a lot of hugs in the past day and she is grateful for the acceptance they promise but this from Giles who she had been so worried about. Who she thought would never forgive her for leaving. This is the touch that lets her forgive herself; lets her put the terrified and haunted seventeen year old to rest. As Giles pulls away she sees tears that match her own gathering in his eyes. She smiles at him and he smiles back like it’s as easy as breathing. As she absorbs all the warmth he offers, Xander quips from his position, “Hey, Will. Maybe you’ll be spared from the watcher lecture.”

They all dissolve into laughter as Giles, still fully in awe of Buffy’s presence, speaks to Willow, “Oh, no. I fully intend to speak to you about keeping a slayer’s presence a secret for over two weeks.” But he’s smiling.

Buffy looks at Willow and Willow looks back, her eyes just as wet as Buffy’s. Buffy wasn’t the only one who was seventeen when she left. She wasn’t the only one haunted either. But as Buffy smiles at the redhead and Willow smiles with something more than pride in her eyes, she figures there’s enough forgiveness to spread around the room.

**Author's Note:**

> if none of this makes sense it’s because it was planned out to be several chapters long but then I changed it for the challenge. hope u still enjoy it :)


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